My
Darkest Days (con't)
I
was so angry
By
the age of thirteen, my anger turned
into hopelessness, despair and the
desire to end my life. It was during
this year that I tried to commit suicide
by swallowing an entire container
of painkillers.
After
years of trying to connect with my
father emotionally, I had given up
on the hope that he could love and
accept me for who I was. This realization
ate me up inside so badly that I just
couldn't stand the pain anymore. I
remember my father coming to the hospital
to see me at that time. Tears streamed
down his face as he saw me lying in
the hospital bed. I also remember
thinking that I could feel his sadness
at the thought of loosing me. This
feeling translated into several thoughts
in my head - maybe, just maybe, the
man actually does love me.
Maybe
I was wrong. Maybe if I just kept
trying to connect with him instead
of giving up, he would stop verbally
and emotionally abusing me and finally
be there for me. This reasoning helped
carry me through fourteen more years
of verbal and emotional abuse almost
every time I went to see him.
At
17, I entered into a controlling and
verbally abusive relationship with
a man named Trevor. During these last
few years of healing, I have been
trying to figure out why I would have
put myself through another abusive
relationship. I found the answer.
Even though my father was so cruel
to me, I loved him more than life
itself and thought I would only find
deep love like that with someone who
also had a verbally and emotionally
abusive personality. Trevor had these
traits - with even more viciousness
than my father at times. We would
fight like cats and dogs - using swear
words and derogatory comments so creatively
it was amazing it never escalated
into physical violence.
After a few years, I became exhausted
and angry about my relationship with
Trevor.
It
took finding a wonderful, artistic
friend named Kristen to come into
my life for me to find the courage
to break the damaging relationship
I was having with Trevor. Creating
a friendship with her gave me the
support network I needed so that I
could make this step without the fear
of being left alone. I am forever
indebted to her for her love, kindness
and generosity.
From the time I ended my relationship
with Trevor until the birth of my
first son, I enjoyed a life rich with
freedom, spontaneity, and growth.
For the first time in my life I was
only responsible for me and I felt
free. I was rarely crying anymore.
I felt euphoria for life - dancing
at clubs on the weekends, making tons
of new friends, and doing what I wanted
when I wanted.
During
this time I had many relationships,
completed my university degree, moved
four times, adopted my first kitty
Lexy, fell head-over-heels in love
with my husband Matthew, conceived
our first child, and got married.
Life was moving like a speeding bullet
train and I loved every minute of
it. Then two months before Tyler came
into this world… the evils of
depressions began to take over again.
Post Partum Depression
For
those of you who are not familiar
with PPD, essentially it's the sadness,
hopelessness and worthlessness experienced
after the birth of a child that lasts
for longer than a few weeks and can
inhibit a woman from caring and bonding
with her baby. There are many reasons
this can happen. In my case, I believe
it was the culmination of my history
with depression and anger, never wanting
to have children, an unexpected pregnancy,
stresses from being newly married,
and the medical problems I endured
with my son Tyler.
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