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Which end of the whip are YOU on?Would it surprise anyone to know that my favourite actor is Clint Eastwood?

Know when to fold 'em, boys... and know when to run

In poker, three of a kind beats two pairs. That's simple. When you know the rules, you can play the game.

I lost a fight this morning. Funny thing is I didn't realize I'd been engaged in battle until it was too late, as often is the case when it comes to sparring with my wife. I know I'm not alone in this peril; many of my comrades have fallen to the same “out of the blue” tactics of their spouses.

By the time I asked if she was upset, it was too late for me. I'm a smart guy, maybe I can figure it out.

Come to think of it there was a brief flash, just milliseconds in time, when I noticed her pupils narrow and her nostrils flare, but before I could retreat, I was hit full on with a “If you don't know why I'm mad, then I'm not going to tell you.”

What? Does that mean if I knew why you're mad, you'd tell me again? Thanks.

“You know.”

Really? There are a lot of things I know, but this isn't one of them. OK, I'm not new at this, so I use all my skills to ascertain the current source of my grief. I say, “What?”
“You know exactly what you did!”
Aha, I've narrowed it down, it's something I did. It could've just as easily been something I didn't do but was expected of me.
I've done lots of things, but why are you mad? Think man, think. What was the first moment you noticed a change? I'm talking subtle, did she say “fine” or worse “I don't care” at some point? ('Cause if she did, then it certainly wasn't fine, and she absolutely does care.)

Time to consult my manly sins checklist:

Toilet seat? Nope.
Socks left on floor? No.
Forget a “special day”? Not that I know of.
Say something about one of her family? No.
Say something about one of her friends? No
Did I encourage the kids to misbehave? Not really.
Did I come home late? No.
I give up.

Ladies, on behalf of men, I ask just how are we expected to anticipate what will bother you , and ignite a blazing stare of disbelief and simultaneous icy attitude? Oh hell, as far as that goes, use your damned signal lights when you want to change lanes, we can't guess that one either (but I digress).

I've heard of men folk getting the cold war treatment over the most horrifyingly ridiculous, trivial, WTF? things that are beyond the imagination of most men this side of Stephen King. I'll share just a few:

One guy got yelled at for “looking at” the hostess of a kid's show he was watching with his toddler. Ooh- that's harsh. (Also, just a quick shout out to Hi-5 girls Kimee, Karla, and Jenn. How you doin'?)

One time I got a backhand slap across the chest, as a wake-up call, first thing in the morning… because she had a dream- and in it, I didn't act as she would expect. Seriously, let's limit the skirmishes to things on this plane of existence, thank you.

I've heard on more than one occasion of a wife taking her husband to strip bar, and starting a domestic because he “liked it too much”. I'm not talking about doing anything inappropriate here, just understand that if we don't applaud, it could do significant damage to a dancer's self esteem. Nobody wants that.

Because I know that you value my insight into the human condition, I will offer you ladies some advice: PLAY FAIR.

I didn't say you shouldn't get angry with your spouse, heaven knows sometimes we even deserve it, but just let us in on it.

Try real hard, and in a rational manner, explain to us what it is that we've done to bring down your wrath.

Four out of five henpecked husbands agree that with certain knowledge of why we're in the doghouse, we can decide if it's worth mounting a defence or if we should batten down the hatches and let the storm blow over, the other kiss-ass will just buy you flowers and promise to be a better man.

So what did I do this morning to spark the fracas? Does it really matter? I'm a bit of a gambler.

As my dear friend Kenny Rogers says, “If you're gonna play the game boy, ya gotta learn to play it right. You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run”

I should call her… and ask what's for dinner. M